100 Questions To Ask Before You Say, “I Do”
Are you contemplating marriage? Does the person you are dating show potential to be a life-long partner? Are you wondering, “How do I know the person I am dating is a great match for me?”
The following questions will help you discover those areas where the two of you are compatible and those areas where you are not.
Life direction and life style
Great marriages evolve when two people have agreed on the direction they want their lives to take and the life style they want to live. How likely is it that you will both live the life you want if your dream is a house in the suburbs with 2.4 kids and a dog and he dreams of living aboard a 24 foot sail boat in Bora Bora? Marriage is a much easier road when the two of you share a compatible vision of the life you want.
1. Do you believe in marriage?
2. Is marriage a lifetime commitment to you?
3. What is your current job?
4. What is your ideal job?
5. What do you want for a career?
6. Where do you want to live?
7. What are your ideal living arrangements?
8. What type of lifestyle do you want?
9. What do you envision as a successful future?
10. What do you dream about doing?
11. What steps do we need to take to make our dreams a reality?
C. S. Lewis said, “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul, you have a body.” What we believe about spiritual issues is of crucial importance in a life-long relationship. Throughout a marriage spouses face many issues together. Having compatible spiritual beliefs allows a couple to more easily lean on one another during life’s challenges. Thus, our spiritual beliefs are sometimes the glue that gets us through the challenging times.
12. Do you practice a faith?
13. How do your practice your faith?
14. Do you believe in God?
15. What spiritual leaders do you look up to?
16. Who or what inspires you?
17. Do you pray? Meditate?
18. Do you give financially to faith-based organizations?
19. Do you read or study about your faith?
20. How do your grow in your faith?
21. Are you willing, or wanting to, include your spouse in the practice of your faith?
Attitudes about family relationships
According to George Burns, “ Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city!” Families come in all shapes and sizes. Some families function well and others, as the old saying goes, “put the fun in dysfunction.”
We are all products of our family upbringing. The way we each function day-to-day is deeply influenced by what we learned in our families as we grew up. But what worked in your family may have been problematic in your partner’s family. Thus, the more you both understand how you are influenced by your upbringing, and can share that information with each other, the better you can understand your similarities and differences.
22. Do you get along with and enjoy your family?
23. Did you grow up in a close family?
24. Are you close with your family now?
25. What have you learned from your parents that you are proud of?
26. What mistakes did your parents make that you have decided not to repeat?
27. What do you picture in your mind when you think if a family of your own?
28. What traits do you have that will make you a good daughter or son-in-law, sister or brother-in-law, wife, husband, mother or father?
29. Is family important to you?
30. What don’t you want others to know about your family?
31. How close do you want to and your spouse to be with your family?
Friends and social life
Every married couple needs friends. Smart couples make wise decisions about the friends they choose. Marriage is easier when the friends we choose encourage us to be faithful to and considerate of our spouse.
32. Do you have lots of friends or a small group of friends?
33. Who are the friends you enjoy most?
34. What are the types of things you do with these friends?
35. Do your friends encourage you to be your best?
36. What are the characteristics you look for in a friend?
37. Is socializing important to you?
38. What type of social life do you want after you are married?
39. In your mind, is girl’s night out okay? Is guy’s night out okay?
40. Once you are married, are your current friends likely to encourage you to be faithful?
41. How likely are your current friends to encourage you to be considerate of your spouse?
Fun is an important part of life. The great motivational speaker, Andrew Carnegie said, “There is little success where there is little laugher!” Fun relieves stress, lightens mood and helps us to think in more creative ways. In short, fun is one of the best ways to keep yourself happy and increase the quality of a relationship, especially a marriage.
42. What do you do for fun?
43. What types of things make you laugh?
44. In your mind, how important is fun?
45. How often do you plan events or activities just for the fun of it?
46. Do you currently spend enough time on fun and enjoyment?
47. What types of activities could the two of you do together that would be fun?
48. Are there things or people in your lives that diminish your level of fun or enjoyment? How could you minimize your exposure to those things or people?
49. When you picture your future, what role does fun play?
50. What activities do you find relaxing?
51. What activities rejuvenate you?
Growth and Change
Throughout life we have opportunities to continue to growth and change. In adulthood, physical growth tends to stop — although our cells keep reproducing and replacing themselves — but intellectually, emotionally and spiritually we have the need to continue to develop. This means that both partners will change throughout a marriage.
How you manage those changes will be influenced by the manner you conduct your life such as the books you read, the movies you watch, the activities you engage in and the friends you choose.
52. Are intellectual growth and development important to you?
53. What activities do you engage that stimulate you intellectually?
54. Do you like to read?
55. How do you learn best: Reading? Listening? Doing?
56. What do you enjoy learning about?
57. What efforts do you think are important to continue to grow emotionally?
58. What do you do to attend to your emotional well being?
59. How are you attending to your spiritual growth?
60. What do you do to ensure you continue your spiritual growth and development?
61. Do you volunteer your time and efforts to worthy causes?
To lead a healthy life, we must have healthy bodies. Taking good care of our bodies makes everything we attempt to in life easier. You will likely find day-to-day life easier if you share similar attitudes about physical care issues such as diet, exercise, and hygiene with your spouse.
62. Are you someone who needs lots of sleep?
63. Are you careful to get enough sleep?
64. What type of diet do you tend to enjoy? (Vegetarian? Low-carb? I see it, I eat it?)
65. Do you enjoy exercise?
66. What are your daily exercise habits?
67. Do you smoke?
68. Do you drink alcohol?
69. Do you use illegal drugs or prescription drugs?
70. Do you see a medical professional for annual check-ups?
71. Do you diligently take care of any medical issues you have? (Taking medications, following up as necessary with your medical professional?)
Money can be a tricky subject and is an area of concern in many marriages. But money does not have to be a contentious issue in a marriage. When two people work together and manage their money wisely, finances can become a source of mutual satisfaction.
72. Do you have a budget?
73. Do you live within that budget?
74. Do you contribute financially to your church or other worthy causes?
75. Are there other people you support financially?
76. Do you have savings?
77. How important is it to you to save?
78. Do you have investments?
79. How important is investing?
80. Do you own property?
81. What do you do to protect the value of your property?
Children are a blessing and a responsibility. Wise couples give consideration to their reasons for having children and carefully choose how they behave as parents.
82. Do you want children?
83. How many children do you want?
84. What are your reasons for having children?
85. How do you think children will enhance your lives?
86. What kind of a parent do you want to be?
87. What kinds of parenting skills did you learn from your parents?
88. Are the skills you learned from your parents adequate for raising children now?
89. How can you learn to be the best parent you can be?
90. How do think children should be disciplined?
91. What traits do you have that would make you a good parent?
Sex. Oh yes, sex. What a wonderful invention sex is. Yet, many couples have trouble in this area. Maybe it is the emotional intimacy that is supposed to be inherent in sex. Some people are afraid of the intimacy that is involved in a great sexual relationship. Some people long for the sexual intimacy that they are not experiencing. Sex is an important part of marriage and deserves consideration prior to saying, “I do.”
92. What types (if any) of birth control should we use?
93. How often are you likely to want sex?
94. How familiar are you with female anatomy? (This knowledge is important to sexual fulfillment)
95. How familiar are you with male anatomy? (This knowledge is important to sexual fulfillment)
96. Have you been tested for STD’s?
97. How important is sex to you?
98. What is sex supposed to accomplish or mean in our marriage?
99. How do you like to be touched?
100. What arouses you? What does NOT arouse you?